Issue #2: I Married My Fuckboy

Hey there,

Welcome back to Ask a Fuckboy’s semi-regular newsletter!

Ticket Drop:

• January 16th show - SOLD OUT

• February 13th show - 30% LEFT

• February 15th show - JUST DROPPED

Recent Show/Popup/Life Highlights:

1. I Married My Fuckboy

This story might be familiar if you attended our October show, but we’re sharing it here because we love it and it was one of the most gasp-worthy moments we’ve ever had at a show.

Our brilliant friend Natassia Miller (check out her work here) joined us on the lineup—brand new to comedy shows but no stranger to talking openly about sex (she’s a sexologist and in, like, a real way, and not in the way Val phrases it on her dating profiles).

Natassia started off by describing her fuckboy—all the green flags:

Aaaaaaand all the red ones:

Ah, how our weaknesses are so often our strengths.

(Also, sorry Natassia, the Hamptons red flag just isn’t a deal breaker for us. Oh no. He’s rich? God forbid! Also also the house cleaner thing sounds literally perfect for passively spying on an ex, so we’re not going to ding him for that either.)

After walking us through what we thought was just another “fuckboy meets girl” story, Natassia asked the fuckboys what they thought. Two said they were OUT on the guy, while one just started flirting shamelessly with her (which we should have anticipated tbh, Natassia is very hot. Next time I’m bringing a squirt bottle so we can spray them like cats).

Then, after we thought all was said and done, Natassia pulled the rug out from all of us and said that she ended up MARRYING this guy. Not only that, he’s THERE IN THE CROWD. Crowd went NUTS.

(Flirty fuckboy Nick Viagas was undeterred, asking her in front of her husband if she’s ever had her “world rocked by a guy with two roommates.”) Godspeed, sweet fuckboy, godspeed.

Natassia then walked us through everything Flavio did and continues to do to redeem himself:

Honestly this part was super cute and also simultaneously the least relatable thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, relatable for Flavio, because Natassia is a baddie and I’d also do everything I could to lock that down. But the thing where a man “brings me coffee in bed every morning”? AND that same guy has a house cleaner, or even knows where he in theory could hire one? Might as well read ACOTAR at that point, because this is the stuff of fantasy. I’ve met men more likely to sprout bat wings.

Thank you for joining us, Natassia! We loved having you and Flavio and even more enjoyed the look on the fuckboys’ faces when they saw him come onstage. Truly a night to remember.

2. Life Updates

Q. Andie, how’s dating going for you?

A. A couple months ago I have to admit I did a crazy thing after matching with a 6’1” lawyer on Hinge. For context: I hadn’t come across such a good profile in a while. Not one mugshot in there, okay guys?

He asked me to go out that Tuesday (a night I was supposed to fly to Boston), but as we compared schedules I realized if we didn’t see each other that night, it would be another two weeks or more until we’d be in the same city again.

So I did what any sane person would do and changed my flight to Wednesday. It was only $175!!! (Calling it an emotional baggage fee and charging it to my company card)

Weeks later, we were still seeing each other and I woke him up in the middle of the night to whisper “Wanna know something crazy I did?” Heehee. I still GOT it!

~sponsored by JetBlue~

Q. Val, how about you?

A. JSwipe was a bust for real. Do not download this app. The UX is bad and the men barely fighting to break free of it are worse.

Also, Andie and I downloaded Lox Club to see how our experiences compare with each other and guys Lox Club is a good name because there’s something fishy going on here. You can’t set a distance filter, a.k.a. the app does not seem to care if you’d prefer to date, idk, men who are actually in your city.

My gut is telling me there’s, like, ten New Yorkers on this app and that’s why they need to send me guys who are a plane ride away. Seriously? There’s suddenly no JEWS in NEW YORK?

Things I will do to not let Hitler win:

• Refuse to set a height filter

Things I will NOT do to not let Hitler win:

• Fly coach to Denver

At this point my best shot is probably Grindr.

We’ll keep you guys in the loop, thanks for reading!

Oh, and send us your gossip/stories so we can feature them in our next newsletter/show.

Love, your favorite Down Baddies,

Andie and Val <3